Matrescence: What happened to me after I had a baby?
It wasn’t from day 1, it was really something that happened over a few weeks, maybe 2 or 3 months. It was like a steady unraveling that left me totally bemused, sad, lonely and depressed. I loved my baby, and I felt like I was a good mum; I mean I was feeding him, making sure he was attended to, and doing all the right stuff as far as I knew. But it’s like I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I felt like a failure in every other area of my life.
My relationship with my husband, which had always been so easy and strong, suddenly felt strained. There was all this frustration and resentment; the product of broken sleep, mismatched expectations around what life with a baby would look like, and our cute new third wheel interrupting any meaningful conversation.
My day to day was totally different, having gone from a senior role in a big corporation, to a semi-isolated, monotonous day, where I felt constantly busy but nothing seemed to get done.
My social life was pretty none existent, with all my friends at work during the day and a baby that refused a bottle but wanted to feed (it seemed) every hour, meaning attending any social engagement alone was impossible. I would have surface level chats while I walked with newly made NCT mum acquaintances, trying to make it look like I had it together, and feeling really quite lonely.
I had become so anxious, in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, finding it difficult to find the time to take the most basic care of myself in a pursuit of being all-giving to my baby. I was absolutely exhausted and broken. Devastated by the demise of my marriage and mourning the life I’d lost. And I loved my baby. And I knew that I’d made this choice and this was the reality. And there were moments of total joy, and others of fear, and failure, and grief. It was everything all at once. And I felt miserable.
You know what was worse than feeling miserable? Feeling guilty for feeling miserable. Because this isn’t how it’s meant to be is it? It’s meant to be joyful and happy; and of course sleepless nights are going to be hard, but everyone else copes don’t they? The shame, the feeling of failure. It’s worse than the transition itself.
Why do I feel like I’ve lost myself after having a baby? How do I feel normal again after having a baby? All these questions swirled in my mind as I tried to hold my new and old selves together while feeling like I was drowning.
So imagine my relief when I learned that when we become mums we actually go through a real thing. Now I didn’t learn this til years later, but when I came across the concept of matrescence I cried. What is matrescence you ask? Think adolescence, but rather than the transition from child to adult, we’re talking about the transition into motherhood. And let’s just pause here to think how absolutely terrifying it would be to go through adolescence without anyone saying anything - hair sprouting, spots popping, moods shifting, periods starting… we’d think there was something seriously wrong with us, when of course it’s all normal! But do we brief women on matrescence? No we do not. And so when we find ourselves overwhelmed by this huge transition, we think we are the problem.
So here’s the big secret that is matrescence - when we have a baby, a change happens to us on a hormonal, physical and psychological level, which impacts every part of our lives. Read that again; EVERY PART OF OUR LIVES.
Romantic relationship, physical body, career, family and friends, fun and recreation, finances… ALL OF IT. Now we know change can be hard right? I used to work in HR and the amount of time we’d invest in briefing people on an office change was vast compared to the preparation I received on the reality of motherhood. But here we’re talking about every element of your life changing all at once, and no one briefing you on it beforehand. In fact it’s like the opposite happens; society gaslights you into thinking that the reality is all snuggles and cooing, when it is in fact all the things - elation, exhaustion, joy, fear, happiness, anxiety and literally blood, sweat and tears (and poo).
With becoming a parent, all the focus was on the birth, rather than the after. Are they scared to tell us the truth in case we decide not to have babies? I don’t know.
But it got better, and I got better. The key was talking; I spoke to my GP and they referred me for Counselling and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and I spoke to my husband and my mum friends, and realised that I didn’t have to hide how I was feeling (and actually many of my friends were going through really similar things!). I wish I had found Mother Nurture back then. I found it once my kids were older, and now I volunteer with the groups. It feels amazing to give back to other mums going through similar things to what I experienced, and it has been incredible to see mums who are feeling so overwhelmed, leave the course with a lightness and confidence I couldn’t have imagined for myself back then.
Emma x
A note from Release Counselling and Therapy for Women.
If you are finding it hard, if you feel overwhelmed, derailed, like you’ve lost yourself and have no idea who you are anymore YOU ARE NORMAL. You are going through change on an unprecedented and unparalleled level. You are changing, and it’s uncomfortable. But don’t be ashamed, because you are not alone. It affects all mums to some degree or another.
We are here for you.
In the 10 weeks of Mother Nurture, we delve into each area of change, giving you time to process what this transition means to you. You hear the experiences of others, and you’ll see you’re not alone. You have the opportunity to find out from experts, tactics and strategies to help you cope. And honestly, you can’t underestimate the benefit of just getting it all out and being heard!
You can sign up to our courses here, or join a waiting list if there isn’t a session available at the moment. If you’re unable to attend one of the Mother Nurture courses in person, you can sign up here for information on online sessions.
And of course, there is other help available too, so if you find that things aren’t feeling better over time, it is always worth speaking to your GP.